At 3:01pm, the lamp turned itself on.
Not with a flicker. Not with a power surge. No—smooth, confident illumination, as if it had made an executive decision and was now in charge of the room.
I said nothing.
The lamp said nothing.
But the dominance was understood.
I walked away and did the worst thing I could’ve done: I opened my laptop.
Guess what was already open?
Yes. Of course. The Five Tabs of Relentless Digital Persistence:
roof cleaning isle of wight
patio cleaning isle of wight
driveway cleaning isle of wight
exterior cleaning isle of wight
pressure washing isle of wight
They’ve stopped pretending to be accidental now.
They sit there like five silent jurors, waiting for me to confess my crimes:
❌ Not owning a driveway
❌ Not living on the Isle of Wight
❌ Not pressure-washing anything
❌ Not understanding why my browser is a hostage situation
I tried closing one tab.
It reopened.
I closed all five.
They rearranged themselves alphabetically.
I restarted the laptop.
The tabs came back BEFORE THE DESKTOP LOADED.
Meanwhile, the lamp clicked brighter—like it was pleased.
Then came the neighbour.
He walked in through the back door, holding a balloon with the word “WHY” written on it and said,
“The spoons have unionised. Don’t look them in the eye.”
Then he left.
I didn’t stop him. I didn’t want answers.
Back at the laptop, the tabs were still open.
The lamp was still glowing with undeserved authority.
The toaster popped with no bread inside.
The air felt like it was waiting for a dramatic plot twist.
Just to prove I still had free will (I don’t), I clicked patio cleaning isle of wight again.
The page was calm. Normal. Informative.
Meanwhile, reality was over in the corner chewing on electrical cords and laughing.
The fridge made a noise like it was clearing its throat.
The spoon drawer rattled.
The lamp brightened again as if issuing a warning.
I accepted it.
Some people are chosen for greatness.
Some are chosen for adventure.
I, apparently, have been chosen to live in a home where:
– Objects have personalities
– Neighbours deliver cryptic prophecies
– And the internet has legally married pressure washing isle of wight to my destiny
Fine.
I surrender.
If this ends with me booking driveway cleaning isle of wight just to make the haunting stop…
So be it.
The lamp approves.
The tabs approve.
I am no longer in control of my own browser.
Send snacks.
